09th May 2011

today was bad
no ifs no buts just fucking terrible horrible awful how ever you want to say it
I haven't honestly felt this low in a long time all day I've put on a brave face but now im sitting thinking I'm my own worst enemy all day ive put on a brave face even at times been cocky and laughed about all the shit thats gone on ive tried not to think about it but ive probably just lost quite a few people who i cared about and became close to
so heres the story
I didnt get a lot of sleep last night just because so this morning i slept in and was dead to the world i didnt hear my phone go off i wake up to 5 texts from various people but 2 from my weird creepy obsessive ex saying that he was "leaving me" and he still wanted to be friends this was the biggest wake up call and im sitting there like hold up we where actually TOGETHER? i was totally unaware of this! any way i keep going through my texts and find some from this girl that has never really liked me for fuck knows how long saying that she had gone through his texts and asking if i thought he deserved a response i replied telling her i had only just got up and asking if it had anything to do with her and all day ive been getting random abuse and  put my sullivan head on and got cocky and thought it was all great fun up until now when im actually sat here thinking about it
because ive fallen out with him i cant do my fire training because ive fallen out with her i now have to watch my back where ever i go because shes a dirty fighter
now im sitting just collecting my thoughts about it all and ive just realized how much ive actually lost im torturing my self with these thoughts and making my self feel so much worse
im trying not to cut i dont want to fall back in to that my brother is kindly distracting me tomorrow by colouring my tattoo cause if its sore and pretty looking i wont want to cut :/ i guess thats the logic any way
ive got karleigh here keeping me distracted but she cant be here all the time
wiggles has even said he will support me
and my hubby
i appreciate all the help i really do even if its just keeping me distacted for a little while
I never thought losing just a few people would have such an impact on me :/
i might post the convo just cause i feel like im holding it all in i feel like its a dirty secret :/
ill update later
<3